The wrong advice

If there isn’t enough passion on both ends it will not work out.

What about love? What about trust and faith? I have learned that passion is fleeting. In a good, stable relationship, you can’t let passion determine everything.

I will be honest about therapy though. That seems like something for married couples with more at stake. I wouldn’t invest too much money into it. 

I have come to understand that therapy is for those who want to understand what it means to be who you are. Therapy isn’t for judgement. Therapy is not the media. It’s about you and your relationship with others which ties back to your relationship with yourself. It is not for married couples. It’s for anyone who seeks help because they cannot help themselves anymore. Therapy is a gift. What do you fear in seeing a therapist?

My things with [her] is a bit different. Its true I don’t feel as passionate however we do literally everything together. Have lots of nerdy things in common/do together. Games, costume making, similar interests. We also just don’t have any fights, or anything similar like when you and derrick didn’t speak while at a wedding.

I will talk to her eventual, but things are fine. I just don’t think i’m the marriage type , which [is] why I don’t really see her as the one, nor do i see myself ever getting married.

Four years in a relationship and you’ve never had a fight? Tell me who is more passive and throwing shit under their rug. Also you have a lot of nerdy in common things together and you do a lot together. That is wonderful. But tell me what sort of dreams you have that you want to achieve together. Tell me what you love about her when she’s sad. Tell me what you don’t have in common but support each other with anyways because it makes the other person happy. Tell me how your relationship feels like what you see in a movie or TV show.

Tell me why waste four years with someone you don’t see as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with if everything is great. Tell me why you don’t want to get married. Tell me what do you fear?

After this many years with him I think you should have an instant answer if you would be  truly happy and content being married/being life partners. If there is doubt, no amount of rationale, or letting more time fix it will change that.

No, there is no instant answer. This isn’t a movie or an anime. This is real life where feelings and emotions change like the tide. There is no 100% guarantee that everything you do in your life will have zero doubt hovering in the back seat. It’s a huge life changing experience which will bring about even more huge life-changing experiences. To doubt is to be human.

You doubt you are the marrying type but still choose to be in a long term relationship. Plus you doubt she is the one for you though you make it seem like she’s perfect and all you need is that extra oomph of passion to make things 100% normal.

Time will fix doubt because “to doubt” means “to explore” which means you have to do some serious exploring within yourself which takes Time.

Let me say this again. There is no instant answer. It takes time, patience, a lot of insight, love, understanding, and kindness to find the answer in your heart.

When you hurt, explore why. When you’re hurting, be compassionate towards that person. Reach out your hand. Tell me it will be okay. Let them know you care.

Don’t respond with what was given to me in red. Tell the hurting person to explore why they all of a sudden feel this way. See if there’s a pattern. Let them know you are there for them.

But don’t fill their heads with the crap you see and hear in the media. Don’t fill their heads with the quotes you see on your phone.

Listen. Open your heart. Dive deep. Apologize. Show compassion.

Show love.

Advertisements
Posted in Insight, Opinion, Rant | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

29

Someone I once knew told me that you could never fall back in love with someone you are currently with. They told me that once you fall out of love, that was it. There was no trying. There was no persistence. There was no “inner growing”. When you fall out of love, your relationship is over.

I challenge you to tell me that your relationship doesn’t have its ups and downs. I challenge you to tell me that you NEVER had a thought about leaving that person. Or that you could find someone better. Or that you wished they were more to your liking. I challenge you to say that you never felt like giving up. That your relationship has never experienced conflict.

I have been with the wrong crowd my entire life. I have searched for what I believed was friendship, love, and trust in all the wrong places.

I found that I loved those who I thought was inferior to me. I loved those who I thought were better than me. I loved those that never tried to contact me. I loved those that used me. I loved those that had different opinions than me and who said things that didn’t align with me.

I loved those broken pieces of shards that make up who my mom and dad are.

I let them bully me. I let them give their opinion, and when given mine back tell me that I was in the wrong.

I let them in. I let them use me.

And the ones who were safe. The ones who showed me true love. I didn’t always join hands with them. And now I know I was wrong.

 

I’m tired of people whom I thought were friends. I’m tired of seeing and hearing the truth and yet persisting that they are a good friend.

I’m tired of loving the wrong people in my life.

Posted in Insight | Leave a comment

What Love Means

Hi. Do you understand what love means to you?

To me, love is comforting. It’s the feeling of absolute trust. It is patient. It’s tough. Love is seeing the person you wake up with every morning and recognizing that they are your partner. Your biggest cheerleader. The person who loves you enough to let you be free.

Above all else, love is extremely kind.

And despite what the psychic said, I see all of that love in my boyfriend. I see the partnership. I see and feel the trust. I recognize and know that he is my biggest cheerleader. He sets me free-I understand that my mind is what traps me in.

I see a future with my boyfriend. I want to marry him. I want to have kids with him. I feel that we will have a loving and fulfilled life together.

The part of me that is replaying what the psychic said is the part in me that’s fearful. I recognize it now that it’s Fear.

Posted in Insight | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Breaking Up

I’m wondering if this lack of compassion I find within myself is due to me being loyal to my friend who ended their relationship last week.  Or if it’s truly how I feel the situation should be handled based off of what Person A said to me earlier in the year. Let’s call Person A Lucy and Person B, Bob.

Lucy doesn’t need sympathy. She doesn’t need to hear that she’s okay or will be okay. I tried to offer her empathy/sympathy, whatever you want to call it and all I got was, “I’m fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I know. I know. I KNOW.” Then all of a sudden she starts telling me it’s all Bob’s fault. Bob did this and Bob did that and I told him this and he didn’t do anything about it.

All I could think about is how this is a sob story to make her feel better about herself. But the truth is, she was hurting too, though she barely did anything about it.

Who want’s a child before the age of 35 and doesn’t do anything to make themselves healthy? Who really wants a child before the age of 35 and wants to party all the time and drink a lot? I know it seems judgmental, but there was nothing done or shown that said she REALLY wanted one.

I know she was hurting too, but the entire year was her outlet. The partying, the secrets, making new friends, drinking, it was all an outlet while you relied on your partner to stay at home and take care of “home” things. I can’t imagine what Bob went through this year. But I also can’t imagine the pain Lucy went through either. Not even wanting to sleep next to the person you say you love.

I respect the questions she asked herself while lying down at night trying to sleep. I really do. I don’t respect how she acted, though. You have to see it from my eyes. She’s mocked my relationship. She’s pried herself into my life asking all sorts of questions, telling me when I’m wrong and how to think. Part of all this is my fault because I listened to her and I allowed it. But not anymore.

Typically I feel at the least, sympathetic to a person’s situation. But for this, I can’t find it in my heart to be “warm and fuzzy”. This is different. This reminds me of what it was like with an ex best friend of mine. And I don’t like where this is heading. I don’t like being told that it was all the other person’s fault and no ownership is taken into account for their own actions. I get nervous because I know there’s two sides to every story.

So anyways, I’m not caught. I told her how I felt because I still care for her. And it still came back with, “This is what he did. This is the questions I asked myself. I don’t want to live my life that way.” Good. I’m glad you asked and answered those hard questions, I respect that. But you’re still being an asshole by not taking ownership of the fact that you really hurt someone and continually hurt them for a year. Also, being well aware that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and you didn’t want to seek out help. Fully aware of what your goal was and you still chose to be unkind. Selfish even. I don’t get it. I just don’t understand. And maybe I don’t want to understand because it goes against what I believe in and what I feel is right.

I think this is the first time where I put more blame on one person than the other, too. But I have my reasons for doing this. If you are unwilling to really sit down and talk things out. If you’re unwilling to seek second opinions or the advice of a professional. If you’re really over with something in your heart and in your mind. Then why wait an entire year? Why drag it out and drag the other person down with you?

I have asked questions like, “How is my relationship similar to theirs?” “What is in my relationship that I’m unsatisfied with that resonates with me and that’s why I’m feeling this way right now?” “Why do I feel this way?” I don’t know why I’m so annoyed.

The only answer I have is…well Lucy made herself look so independent and larger than life. She made me feel like she was a real “mom” character and she has a way of telling you you’re wrong and you should think a certain way.

So I guess I’m experiencing disappointed love also. I’m feeling like in some way she broke the image she showed me over the last four years. She’s not high and mighty like I saw her. She’s human too. And her actions and choices on/to how she interacted with me, shattered my perception of her.

And I guess that’s what it comes down to. I’m disgusted by how I admired her. I’m disgusted by her actions and her continued actions. I can’t shake off that part of me, the part that believed her and trusted her and looked up to her, I can’t shake that feeling of disgust at how I acted, at what I didn’t say at the time, at what I didn’t do that would have been deemed, “sticking up for myself.”

I’m sick to think that I called her a friend. If she can be that heartless to someone she says she loves, what about me? What about those that she calls a friend? She can do the same thing to me. Talk behind my back, get everyone on her side. Twist the story. She can do that to me. I think that’s what scares me. I’m not supposed to feel threatened in any relationship, but I feel like I’d constantly have to have my guard up with her. I also feel like if I didn’t say anything, it would mean that I am completely stuck in my “nice” ways.

I also understand that fixing things doesn’t always fix things. But you have to be willing to forgive and move past it, which she wouldn’t do. Their relationship was just an eye opener for me and my relationship with her. She reminds me of my dad for bologna’s sake! That’s how much she freaks me out. And I could never do that to my boyfriend – slowly disconnect myself for an entire year by hurting him like that. I love him too much to even think about doing that to him.

And I know I’ve had problems with my boyfriend. But I told him exactly what I felt when I felt it. There is no waiting with me. It’s either I’m all in or I’m not. And I feel like a close friendship like what I had with Lucy, should be like that too. Either you can handle the truth or get out of town.

And I’m riding out into the sunset.

Posted in Opinion | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

After the Storm

We went to therapy. And it helped a lot. Also, he’s changing. I can see it and I feel it.

Maybe I really am afraid. My mom thinks so. My therapist thinks so.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

An Open Mind

I know I’ve been dark for a while. But I’ve got to experience my intuition. I’ve got to experience an open mind. I’ve got to open up my heart.

Yoga has transformed me. I remember when I first started. I remember how it made me feel to truly open up and be vulnerable. It’s still hard sometimes. But I think it’s getting there. Slowly coursing through my veins. I can’t remember what life was like without this Yoga class. I just know that after practice I feel like I’ve changed. My body feels different, how I think is different. I mean, I am human so I do still make mistakes and I do lash out at times. But I try to ground myself more.

Maybe I’m lying to myself. Maybe my chakra’s aren’t as open as I believe it to be. But something inside had changed. And I’m more aware of it now.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Anger

I’m really angry right now. I’m spinning stories in my head and I’m telling myself things that I never thought of a month ago. I’m spinning and spinning and spinning. I need yoga tonight to slow down and calm my mind.

I wrote a list of things that I didn’t like down in an email and set it up so that it would send to me six months later from yesterday. I just wrote down all of what I was feeling. If you read it you’d probably think I was mad. Because through it all I do love him. I love him very much. But he needs to prove that these things and how I’m feeling won’t happen again. It’s like building trust all over again.

And I think that’s it. Once I saw that he was too busy at work for our relationship. I think that trust slowly went down over time.

And he thinks that I’m not on his team? I am on his team! I want this to work out. I just don’t want it to work out as bad as I wanted it back in June when HE was neglecting me. When HE WAS NOT on MY team. This time I want to see what he does and how he handles things. I’m unsure of what will happen in the future, so I want to see what he does, plus I’m being raw and utterly honest. I don’t walk in faith with this relationship, but I do have faith in me.

Part of me is angry at him telling me that he feels that I’m not on his team. Part of me doesn’t understand why he can say the shit he wants and feel sorry for himself, but when I do that it’s on ME. Is it on me? Or did I just make it up? He’s saying that this whole thing is on HIM. But part of me is so bitter about what happened that I just can’t shake it. I just can’t shake this feeling of bitterness.

What it is though, is that I’m hurt. Way deep down I’m super hurt about what happened earlier this year. It’s like this thing that was growing on my back and I finally realized it. I didn’t talk to anyone about it either. I kept it to myself and bottled it up. I didn’t want to reach out.

I’m just in a crappy mood right now. I hate my job. I hate how things are in my relationship. I hate me feeling this way. I hate everything right now. I just want to go away on my vacation (which starts on Saturday), and have fun.

I just want things to get better. I want to move forward from this. And I want to grow from this.

Posted in Insight | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment