Breaking Up

I’m wondering if this lack of compassion I find within myself is due to me being loyal to my friend who ended their relationship last week. ¬†Or if it’s truly how I feel the situation should be handled based off of what Person A said to me earlier in the year. Let’s call Person A Lucy and Person B, Bob.

Lucy doesn’t need sympathy. She doesn’t need to hear that she’s okay or will be okay. I tried to offer her empathy/sympathy, whatever you want to call it and all I got was, “I’m fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I know. I know. I KNOW.” Then all of a sudden she starts telling me it’s all Bob’s fault. Bob did this and Bob did that and I told him this and he didn’t do anything about it.

All I could think about is how this is a sob story to make her feel better about herself. But the truth is, she was hurting too, though she barely did anything about it.

Who want’s a child before the age of 35 and doesn’t do anything to make themselves healthy? Who really wants a child before the age of 35 and wants to party all the time and drink a lot? I know it seems judgmental, but there was nothing done or shown that said she REALLY wanted one.

I know she was hurting too, but the entire year was her outlet. The partying, the secrets, making new friends, drinking, it was all an outlet while you relied on your partner to stay at home and take care of “home” things. I can’t imagine what Bob went through this year. But I also can’t imagine the pain Lucy went through either. Not even wanting to sleep next to the person you say you love.

I respect the questions she asked herself while lying down at night trying to sleep. I really do. I don’t respect how she acted, though. You have to see it from my eyes. She’s mocked my relationship. She’s pried herself into my life asking all sorts of questions, telling me when I’m wrong and how to think. Part of all this is my fault because I listened to her and I allowed it. But not anymore.

Typically I feel at the least, sympathetic to a person’s situation. But for this, I can’t find it in my heart to be “warm and fuzzy”. This is different. This reminds me of what it was like with an ex best friend of mine. And I don’t like where this is heading. I don’t like being told that it was all the other person’s fault and no ownership is taken into account for their own actions. I get nervous because I know there’s two sides to every story.

So anyways, I’m not caught. I told her how I felt because I still care for her. And it still came back with, “This is what he did. This is the questions I asked myself. I don’t want to live my life that way.” Good. I’m glad you asked and answered those hard questions, I respect that. But you’re still being an asshole by not taking ownership of the fact that you really hurt someone and continually hurt them for a year. Also, being well aware that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and you didn’t want to seek out help. Fully aware of what your goal was and you still chose to be unkind. Selfish even. I don’t get it. I just don’t understand. And maybe I don’t want to understand because it goes against what I believe in and what I feel is right.

I think this is the first time where I put more blame on one person than the other, too. But I have my reasons for doing this. If you are unwilling to really sit down and talk things out. If you’re unwilling to seek second opinions or the advice of a professional. If you’re really over with something in your heart and in your mind. Then why wait an entire year? Why drag it out and drag the other person down with you?

I have asked questions like, “How is my relationship similar to theirs?” “What is in my relationship that I’m unsatisfied with that resonates with me and that’s why I’m feeling this way right now?” “Why do I feel this way?” I don’t know why I’m so annoyed.

The only answer I have is…well Lucy made herself look so independent and larger than life. She made me feel like she was a real “mom” character and she has a way of telling you you’re wrong and you should think a certain way.

So I guess I’m experiencing disappointed love also. I’m feeling like in some way she broke the image she showed me over the last four years. She’s not high and mighty like I saw her. She’s human too. And her actions and choices on/to how she interacted with me, shattered my perception of her.

And I guess that’s what it comes down to. I’m disgusted by how I admired her. I’m disgusted by her actions and her continued actions. I can’t shake off that part of me, the part that believed her and trusted her and looked up to her, I can’t shake that feeling of disgust at how I acted, at what I didn’t say at the time, at what I didn’t do that would have been deemed, “sticking up for myself.”

I’m sick to think that I called her a friend. If she can be that heartless to someone she says she loves, what about me? What about those that she calls a friend? She can do the same thing to me. Talk behind my back, get everyone on her side. Twist the story. She can do that to me. I think that’s what scares me. I’m not supposed to feel threatened in any relationship, but I feel like I’d constantly have to have my guard up with her. I also feel like if I didn’t say anything, it would mean that I am completely stuck in my “nice” ways.

I also understand that fixing things doesn’t always fix things. But you have to be willing to forgive and move past it, which she wouldn’t do. Their relationship was just an eye opener for me and my relationship with her. She reminds me of my dad for bologna’s sake! That’s how much she freaks me out. And I could never do that to my boyfriend – slowly disconnect myself for an entire year by hurting him like that. I love him too much to even think about doing that to him.

And I know I’ve had problems with my boyfriend. But I told him exactly what I felt when I felt it. There is no waiting with me. It’s either I’m all in or I’m not. And I feel like a close friendship like what I had with Lucy, should be like that too. Either you can handle the truth or get out of town.

And I’m riding out into the sunset.

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After the Storm

We went to therapy. And it helped a lot. Also, he’s changing. I can see it and I feel it.

Maybe I really am afraid. My mom thinks so. My therapist thinks so.

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An Open Mind

I know I’ve been dark for a while. But I’ve got to experience my intuition. I’ve got to experience an open mind. I’ve got to open up my heart.

Yoga has transformed me. I remember when I first started. I remember how it made me feel to truly open up and be vulnerable. It’s still hard sometimes. But I think it’s getting there. Slowly coursing through my veins. I can’t remember what life was like without this Yoga class. I just know that after practice I feel like I’ve changed. My body feels different, how I think is different. I mean, I am human so I do still make mistakes and I do lash out at times. But I try to ground myself more.

Maybe I’m lying to myself. Maybe my chakra’s aren’t as open as I believe it to be. But something inside had changed. And I’m more aware of it now.

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Anger

I’m really angry right now. I’m spinning stories in my head and I’m telling myself things that I never thought of a month ago. I’m spinning and spinning and spinning. I need yoga tonight to slow down and calm my mind.

I wrote a list of things that I didn’t like down in an email and set it up so that it would send to me six months later from yesterday. I just wrote down all of what I was feeling. If you read it you’d probably think I was mad. Because through it all I do love him. I love him very much. But he needs to prove that these things and how I’m feeling won’t happen again. It’s like building trust all over again.

And I think that’s it. Once I saw that he was too busy at work for our relationship. I think that trust slowly went down over time.

And he thinks that I’m not on his team? I am on his team! I want this to work out. I just don’t want it to work out as bad as I wanted it back in June when HE was neglecting me. When HE WAS NOT on MY team. This time I want to see what he does and how he handles things. I’m unsure of what will happen in the future, so I want to see what he does, plus I’m being raw and utterly honest. I don’t walk in faith with this relationship, but I do have faith in me.

Part of me is angry at him telling me that he feels that I’m not on his team. Part of me doesn’t understand why he can say the shit he wants and feel sorry for himself, but when I do that it’s on ME. Is it on me? Or did I just make it up? He’s saying that this whole thing is on HIM. But part of me is so bitter about what happened that I just can’t shake it. I just can’t shake this feeling of bitterness.

What it is though, is that I’m hurt. Way deep down I’m super hurt about what happened earlier this year. It’s like this thing that was growing on my back and I finally realized it. I didn’t talk to anyone about it either. I kept it to myself and bottled it up. I didn’t want to reach out.

I’m just in a crappy mood right now. I hate my job. I hate how things are in my relationship. I hate me feeling this way. I hate everything right now. I just want to go away on my vacation (which starts on Saturday), and have fun.

I just want things to get better. I want to move forward from this. And I want to grow from this.

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I hurt

I hurt so badly. I’m torn between what my head space thinks and what I’m feeling. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

 

I don’t want to hurt him. My sweet hunny.

 

But some part of me knows that it’s coming. If it were true love I wouldn’t be feeling this way at all.

 

But I’m so scared.

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Come Back

“Hi again. It’s me. It’s me again. I’ve been thinking about it the last few days since I asked you to stop. I’ve been thinking about how I need to meditate on it. But for that, I need you back. I know you haven’t given up on me. I know you still love me. It just took me a few days to clear my head; to think straight. I’ve been talking to some people about it, and I need you to come back.”

“I’m bringing your higher power with me. Just remember, whatever you decide, you will be okay. I know you. You know it. Just believe. Have hope, have faith. And above all, write.”

“I am always here for you, even if you try to quiet me. I only tell you what your mind wants to hear. But your heart? Your heart knows what’s best. I might break your heart, but the heart knows how to mend itself. You may be uncomfortable. But you are strong. You can do anything. And you deserve so much. You deserve so much more.”

“Thank you.”

….

I know now what must happen. I just want to hold on a little longer. By December I should know if I want to go through 2017 with him or not. I just have to break down those walls that are blinding me.

Although I know that I will hurt him more than it’s hurting me, I have come to the realization that I’m going through the death cycle. Depression, anxiety, wanting them back, acceptance, hope, faith, trust, love.

I didn’t think it would happen this way. But from the moment I kissed him, I guessed I should have known. Because way back then, I never felt the spark he did.

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Thinking of the Truth

“Hi again. It’s me. Your intuition. I’ve bumped you on your head and squeezed your gut back in June. And you persisted with trying to make it work out. I told you to let it go, and you didn’t. You held on and fought the good fight. But you know in the end I will win. Why suffer for so long? You know you love him. But you know that you aren’t in love with him anymore. Something died when you went to see that therapist. Something died when you went to Japan. Why do you persist?”

“I persist because I do love him. He is a good man. I can see spending many years with him by my side. He loves me. Which makes me cry. I don’t know if I’m sad or if these are really happy tears. I can see myself having beautiful kids with him and having a nice life with him by my side. I love his hugs. I love his smile. I love when he comforts me.”

“Do you love it when he comforts you? Do you really love it like you say? Or does your mind wander to…your dog? The dog that saw you at your lowest moment in your short life?”

“Yes, I do love when he comforts me. He brings me back to a space where I am safe. Where I feel safe enough to express myself and let things go. Safe enough to share with him how I’m feeling at the moment.”

“Then why not tell him that you don’t think you are in love with him? Why can’t you tell him that?”

“Because I’m afraid of losing him. I’m afraid this life that I love, will be gone once he is gone. I don’t want to lose him. Ever. I want him in my life forever.”

“This is true, he will be gone because he will respect how you feel. He doesn’t want to weigh you down. He only wants to lift you up.”

“That’s why I can’t tell him. I wish I never saw that psychic, I wish it wasn’t brought to me again. I only thought about it once, back in June. And I was fine after that, but now it’s in my mind. Yoga helped it, a little. But it’s still here.”

“That’s because there’s some truth to the entire thing the psychic said. He is in your life to teach you something. But you really don’t know what that something is, don’t you? Do you even know what it means to be in love?”

“I don’t know the lesson. I don’t know if I learned it yet. I don’t know what it means to really be in love. I only know the pain when that person or animal is no longer in my life. Then I know that I was truly in love with them.”

“My child. There is so much more to learn. Stay with him now. I’ll keep this buried deep in your heart. In your soul. One day you will learn. You will not have this fear. You will now have this doubt. When this happens again, you will know what it is you must do to know courage and strength.”

“I want him here with me a little longer, Angel. Please keep him near me a little longer. I do love him. I do want to be with him. I want to experience life with him for a little longer. I do love him so much.”

“As you wish. I will return when the time is right. Do not dwell on this, my child. Your angels know when to make it arise again. And it will. Because you need it. Keep in mind that it will be a painful road when this happens again. But I will be here for you. We will all be here for you. You are so supported on this side.”

“Thank you. I did promise that if I ever felt that way again, I would act upon it. I intend to.”

“Make sure you do. Trust in me. Quiet now. Quiet the soul and your racing mind. I’ll be here for you, always. The more you trust in me, the more I will help you. The more I will steer you into the direction of your life path. Of your light path. I am always here. I will always love you.”

….

The psychic also told me that I’m an empath. I feel other people’s energies when I talk to them, hang around them, see them. I’m trying to hone in on those skills right now. But he did say that I need a piece of labradorite with me so that it can soak up all of those emotions. So I bought a stone from a rock shop on Instagram. I’m going to carry it around me for a while to see what happens and how I feel. I’m pretty excited to try it out because these extra emotions I’ve been feeling have been draining me. Hopefully it comes in soon so I can take it into my next yoga class.

I have this party I’m hosting tomorrow and I’m pretty excited for it! It’s going to be a lot of work but I’m expecting a lot of fun!

 

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