All I needed was some sort of empathy given back to me when I reached out for the third time. I know that I have to make a decision soon and that time is of the essence. But this is my thing. I gave up control and it pains me. I also see fear. I also see trust issues.
Yeah, I don’t trust her. I don’t trust that she will do something that I like. I’m doubting her because I have no control over an event that should be meaningful to me. I gave up that control because I didn’t want to deal with the anxiety. I gave up that control because I don’t like making decisions. But now I find that I have anxiety over it because I gave up that control.
I am very worried that I’m inviting the wrong people. I’m worried that there’s too many of us. I’m worried about how we would get along. I think about what would happen if everyone shows up! I have this fear that I’ll actually won’t like what they’ve got planned. I have this fear that this event will be really cheap and gaudy and no one will have fun. I have this fear of being put into a situation where I don’t want to cooperate and I won’t want to party and drink and have strippers all over me. I just don’t want that. I want to have fun but I don’t want the spotlight on me. I don’t want it. See, that’s my anxiety talking. It’s creating the story before knowing what will really happen.
So what I did was write everyone’s name on a piece of paper. I then zen’d out for about eight minutes. Cleared my head of thoughts. I realized that this stems from fear, from not being able to control the situation, from not trusting those I entrusted my party with. She thinks that I should be part of the planning because it would make my anxiety go down. But that’s what Ego wants. I won’t change if I keep thinking in this negative way.
So I decided to not be part of it and just trust that whatever my bridesmaids are doing would be correct. It would be fun. I subtracted two people from the list to make it 11 instead of 13. I did this because it turns out I didn’t want certain people to go after all.
My process was (after zening out), hold each paper with their name in my hand. Ask if I wanted them to come with me. If my immediate response was a “no” I put them in one pile. If it was a “yes” I put them in another pile. There were three “no” and the rest were yes. I already told one person they would be invited, so it left me with two. And those two were out.
There are times when I wish I hadn’t agreed to a wedding. There’s too much work involved. I don’t like being the center of attention. I don’t like making big decisions. I’d rather just take the money and go on a nice vacation.
But, I know if I had said no to a wedding I would be missing out on something that could be quite wonderful. I wouldn’t do this again. Ever. It’s too hard. My feelings were hurt too much. I hate the process. I hate what it’s making me do.
But maybe this is the Universe saying that I can handle it and that it’s not so bad after all. The outcome won’t be terrible. The outcome will be something that I will cherish the rest of my life.
I keep saying that I regret ever doing this. But my fiance keeps saying that everything will be fine. That we are on track. That I’m more than alright. Some days I feel fine and other days I just want to shut myself in a hole and pretend that I never agreed to a wedding.