I’m missing something within myself and that’s why I am reaching out. Thinking about decisions and the path I chose long ago. Thinking about why I made that choice and was it worth it for what I feel now.
I’m thinking about all of the hurt that I experienced. The talking I should have and shouldn’t have done. The advice I gave and what that mean’t at that time.
Have I forgiven? Have I gave up on all hopes of a better past? Did I make a loving choice? I feel trapped in my own thoughts and it comes at a time where all I want is sleep.
There’s a part of me that wants to know so badly how you are doing. What is going on. To let me into your life. But I feel that I am only after the drama. Because I know it will never be the same. I feel like I only want to be in your life because its something I don’t have anymore. It’s something I can’t control…which is a scary thought. This just tells me that I shouldn’t be in your life.
You are working on yourself. Becoming stronger, making better decisions. Raising a family. And all I can do is sit here, wishing my life was more like yours. I still have this overwhelming feeling that I’m not living up to your potential. That I am way behind in growth, in spirituality, in love, in…everything.
That’s the real problem. I feel that I am not enough. I feel that she has had the better life. I feel that she always had things come easy for her. She never questioned if she was in love with her boyfriends or her husbands. She knew she was in love. She never had doubts about having a family and having children. She always had help. Her mom and dad supported her unconditionally. She’s artistic, and head strong and graceful. She’s beautiful and athletic, and smart. She knows what she wants and fiercely goes after it. She’s outgoing and personable. She isn’t afraid to get a little dirty for some fun.
She cares about the people she loves. She tells them she loves them. She’s excited for them.
And I always felt that its something I could never have. Maybe that’s why I grounded her so much. Maybe that’s why I envy her. I was controlled growing up. And I let others control me. I’m afraid of speaking my truth at all times, so I let other people push their opinions and ideals on me. I was told sex is the worst thing and it was always analogized with death. That’s why I have issues with sex. It was inherent that I should always obey my parents, and that’s why I need other’s approval. I came from a broken marriage and she did too. But her mindset is just so much better about it than mine. My mom complained to me a lot about my father. Although I do love her, she is not the mother I hope to grow up to be. I don’t want certain aspects of her to come out through me.
I am still a lost child, still finding my way through life.
But I refuse to let fear or my ego take me away from who I am with now. Because out of all of the relationships I’ve had with everyone in my life. His is the most loving. His is the very best.
And I’m not letting fear, anxiety, a psychic, or anyone else get in my way of my heart.