Breaking Up

I’m wondering if this lack of compassion I find within myself is due to me being loyal to my friend who ended their relationship last week.  Or if it’s truly how I feel the situation should be handled based off of what Person A said to me earlier in the year. Let’s call Person A Lucy and Person B, Bob.

Lucy doesn’t need sympathy. She doesn’t need to hear that she’s okay or will be okay. I tried to offer her empathy/sympathy, whatever you want to call it and all I got was, “I’m fine. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I know. I know. I KNOW.” Then all of a sudden she starts telling me it’s all Bob’s fault. Bob did this and Bob did that and I told him this and he didn’t do anything about it.

All I could think about is how this is a sob story to make her feel better about herself. But the truth is, she was hurting too, though she barely did anything about it.

Who want’s a child before the age of 35 and doesn’t do anything to make themselves healthy? Who really wants a child before the age of 35 and wants to party all the time and drink a lot? I know it seems judgmental, but there was nothing done or shown that said she REALLY wanted one.

I know she was hurting too, but the entire year was her outlet. The partying, the secrets, making new friends, drinking, it was all an outlet while you relied on your partner to stay at home and take care of “home” things. I can’t imagine what Bob went through this year. But I also can’t imagine the pain Lucy went through either. Not even wanting to sleep next to the person you say you love.

I respect the questions she asked herself while lying down at night trying to sleep. I really do. I don’t respect how she acted, though. You have to see it from my eyes. She’s mocked my relationship. She’s pried herself into my life asking all sorts of questions, telling me when I’m wrong and how to think. Part of all this is my fault because I listened to her and I allowed it. But not anymore.

Typically I feel at the least, sympathetic to a person’s situation. But for this, I can’t find it in my heart to be “warm and fuzzy”. This is different. This reminds me of what it was like with an ex best friend of mine. And I don’t like where this is heading. I don’t like being told that it was all the other person’s fault and no ownership is taken into account for their own actions. I get nervous because I know there’s two sides to every story.

So anyways, I’m not caught. I told her how I felt because I still care for her. And it still came back with, “This is what he did. This is the questions I asked myself. I don’t want to live my life that way.” Good. I’m glad you asked and answered those hard questions, I respect that. But you’re still being an asshole by not taking ownership of the fact that you really hurt someone and continually hurt them for a year. Also, being well aware that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and you didn’t want to seek out help. Fully aware of what your goal was and you still chose to be unkind. Selfish even. I don’t get it. I just don’t understand. And maybe I don’t want to understand because it goes against what I believe in and what I feel is right.

I think this is the first time where I put more blame on one person than the other, too. But I have my reasons for doing this. If you are unwilling to really sit down and talk things out. If you’re unwilling to seek second opinions or the advice of a professional. If you’re really over with something in your heart and in your mind. Then why wait an entire year? Why drag it out and drag the other person down with you?

I have asked questions like, “How is my relationship similar to theirs?” “What is in my relationship that I’m unsatisfied with that resonates with me and that’s why I’m feeling this way right now?” “Why do I feel this way?” I don’t know why I’m so annoyed.

The only answer I have is…well Lucy made herself look so independent and larger than life. She made me feel like she was a real “mom” character and she has a way of telling you you’re wrong and you should think a certain way.

So I guess I’m experiencing disappointed love also. I’m feeling like in some way she broke the image she showed me over the last four years. She’s not high and mighty like I saw her. She’s human too. And her actions and choices on/to how she interacted with me, shattered my perception of her.

And I guess that’s what it comes down to. I’m disgusted by how I admired her. I’m disgusted by her actions and her continued actions. I can’t shake off that part of me, the part that believed her and trusted her and looked up to her, I can’t shake that feeling of disgust at how I acted, at what I didn’t say at the time, at what I didn’t do that would have been deemed, “sticking up for myself.”

I’m sick to think that I called her a friend. If she can be that heartless to someone she says she loves, what about me? What about those that she calls a friend? She can do the same thing to me. Talk behind my back, get everyone on her side. Twist the story. She can do that to me. I think that’s what scares me. I’m not supposed to feel threatened in any relationship, but I feel like I’d constantly have to have my guard up with her. I also feel like if I didn’t say anything, it would mean that I am completely stuck in my “nice” ways.

I also understand that fixing things doesn’t always fix things. But you have to be willing to forgive and move past it, which she wouldn’t do. Their relationship was just an eye opener for me and my relationship with her. She reminds me of my dad for bologna’s sake! That’s how much she freaks me out. And I could never do that to my boyfriend – slowly disconnect myself for an entire year by hurting him like that. I love him too much to even think about doing that to him.

And I know I’ve had problems with my boyfriend. But I told him exactly what I felt when I felt it. There is no waiting with me. It’s either I’m all in or I’m not. And I feel like a close friendship like what I had with Lucy, should be like that too. Either you can handle the truth or get out of town.

And I’m riding out into the sunset.

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