I’m really angry right now. I’m spinning stories in my head and I’m telling myself things that I never thought of a month ago. I’m spinning and spinning and spinning. I need yoga tonight to slow down and calm my mind.
I wrote a list of things that I didn’t like down in an email and set it up so that it would send to me six months later from yesterday. I just wrote down all of what I was feeling. If you read it you’d probably think I was mad. Because through it all I do love him. I love him very much. But he needs to prove that these things and how I’m feeling won’t happen again. It’s like building trust all over again.
And I think that’s it. Once I saw that he was too busy at work for our relationship. I think that trust slowly went down over time.
And he thinks that I’m not on his team? I am on his team! I want this to work out. I just don’t want it to work out as bad as I wanted it back in June when HE was neglecting me. When HE WAS NOT on MY team. This time I want to see what he does and how he handles things. I’m unsure of what will happen in the future, so I want to see what he does, plus I’m being raw and utterly honest. I don’t walk in faith with this relationship, but I do have faith in me.
Part of me is angry at him telling me that he feels that I’m not on his team. Part of me doesn’t understand why he can say the shit he wants and feel sorry for himself, but when I do that it’s on ME. Is it on me? Or did I just make it up? He’s saying that this whole thing is on HIM. But part of me is so bitter about what happened that I just can’t shake it. I just can’t shake this feeling of bitterness.
What it is though, is that I’m hurt. Way deep down I’m super hurt about what happened earlier this year. It’s like this thing that was growing on my back and I finally realized it. I didn’t talk to anyone about it either. I kept it to myself and bottled it up. I didn’t want to reach out.
I’m just in a crappy mood right now. I hate my job. I hate how things are in my relationship. I hate me feeling this way. I hate everything right now. I just want to go away on my vacation (which starts on Saturday), and have fun.
I just want things to get better. I want to move forward from this. And I want to grow from this.