“Hi again. It’s me. It’s me again. I’ve been thinking about it the last few days since I asked you to stop. I’ve been thinking about how I need to meditate on it. But for that, I need you back. I know you haven’t given up on me. I know you still love me. It just took me a few days to clear my head; to think straight. I’ve been talking to some people about it, and I need you to come back.”
“I’m bringing your higher power with me. Just remember, whatever you decide, you will be okay. I know you. You know it. Just believe. Have hope, have faith. And above all, write.”
“I am always here for you, even if you try to quiet me. I only tell you what your mind wants to hear. But your heart? Your heart knows what’s best. I might break your heart, but the heart knows how to mend itself. You may be uncomfortable. But you are strong. You can do anything. And you deserve so much. You deserve so much more.”
I know now what must happen. I just want to hold on a little longer. By December I should know if I want to go through 2017 with him or not. I just have to break down those walls that are blinding me.
Although I know that I will hurt him more than it’s hurting me, I have come to the realization that I’m going through the death cycle. Depression, anxiety, wanting them back, acceptance, hope, faith, trust, love.
I didn’t think it would happen this way. But from the moment I kissed him, I guessed I should have known. Because way back then, I never felt the spark he did.