When I say that I’m done working at my job, I really mean that I have no energy, no life in me to want to help out my department. I can feel myself slowly becoming depressed at what I’ve been doing, all over again.
Being busy doing the right things doesn’t make me tired. Being busy doing the wrong things, do.
I’ve been holding onto my thoughts for a while now and I know it’s time to release them and bring in healing. I need to stop having these negative thoughts. What happened between us isn’t about me, it’s about her. How I carry the conversation, though, is about me and only me. I keep revisiting the past when it happened months ago. What I said back then is what I said back then. What she said is what she said. No matter what happens, I can’t go back to it. Why can’t I accept this?
Because part of me still wishes it never happened. That I could have said something. That things could be different now. That we were in a place we were before everything happened.
So why not stop thinking about it and letting it gracefully go? The lesson is to let it go and be okay with how other people respond knowing its a reflection on them.
Part of me still has this hope.
I in particular don’t want to see her right now. And I can choose not to. I can also choose how I speak with her. Whatever she feels about me is what I’m wanting her to feel about me because it’s a reflection on how I’m acting.
I need to talk with my higher self. I know that means more tears, but I can’t help it. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad. Crying is my way of emotionally letting out what needs to come out.
I could lash out at her and say the things bottled up in me. But that isn’t who I am. That’s not who I want to be nor portray. Portray…like I’m supposed to be painting a pretty picture. It’s more of…that’s not who I want to turn into. Even though I’ve done it with my boyfriend. I just have a harder time doing it with friends or the public in general unless I really don’t give a shit.
I’m tired of working on things my soul doesn’t care about. My soul doesn’t care if these clients have a shortfall or if they succeed in their client contract. It doesn’t care if I receive closeout documents. It cares that the trainees are getting training at all. It cares and gets excited when I have a ton of rosters and the client is meeting their goal because of the training they are working on. It cares not about wages or rules. It cares that people are getting the help they need. All this other paperwork, these audits, this scrutiny, is just putting a damper on things.