Trust

If trust, at its very core, means to be vulnerable, then I’ve been trusting too much in people who have very little to no trust in me. And it’s not loving to ask somebody to do something they are unable or unwilling to do. So now I’m at a crossroads. I want to stay in the familiar, which is part of my battle between the parts of me that want to be healed and the parts of me comfortable and content remaining where I am.

I am on the verge of ending a relationship I’ve had with a friend for the past four years. It has been scary. I haven’t trusted enough in myself and relied on psychics to help with seeing how things would turn out if I let it be. I have been crazy involved with them and have been losing touch with my own guide and my own abilities to trust my gut. I’ve taken a back seat to it for now but will re-visit it later.

Not knowing who I will find next pains me. Knowing that there may not be another person out there who will get me, pains me.

But I keep trying. I’ve recently started working on a relationship between Derrick’s two friends. I’ve initiated hang outs and Disneyland days, and so far it’s been going good.

I’ve noticed a difference in their relationship compared to my relationship with some of my other “friends”. We don’t really talk about other people and the drama between each other. We really don’t talk about anyone badly. We talk about current events. We talk about our relationship with our significant other. We are learning about each other in a more natural form.

When I compare this relationship to my other ones, it makes the other ones seem fake. Mary and I started talking because we were introduced to each other through SOL. I mainly talked about my issues with Andrea, with Josh, with SOL. She talked about those issues too. I bitched about my job. Wow, I’m a complainer, like my dad. But, after a while that’s all it became, one big talk about the drama happening in our lives. When you look at the core of everything, we really didn’t have much in common. I don’t drink. I don’t host big parties all the time. I don’t fish. I don’t like driving to LA to work. I don’t have the same though as she does.

So I guess what held us together was the drama from our other “friends.” What’s funny too is that I decided they weren’t really friends of mine anymore. I refuse to go out of my way to see them from now on.

I’m sick of fakers. I want good people in my life. Fun people who are closer aligned to Derrick and I. I want to be shown the same amount of effort I give out. I want someone to understand me and my wants, needs. I just want to be accepted.

Mary not owning her shit really made me realize what I was shunning away from this entire time. Like Iyanla said…God will first throw a pebble. Then he’ll throw a brick. Well, He threw lots of pebbles at me but I never paid attention. Until that brick came. Now all the pebbles that were thrown at me are to my neck. The brick hit my face. All I have left is the crown on my head to heal me.

Although I said I wouldn’t try anymore, I still am. I still message her and ask questions about what’s been going on. But the question is…will she message me to talk to me? Is she trying or does she want to leave it?

A few psychics have told me that she couldn’t handle my truth and that’s why she’s acting the way she is. Those same few have told me that I’m better off without her around. I actually felt a little lost when she stopped talking to me, so I think I was talking to her out of desperation for attention. Now that I’ve settled into this new space, I feel more at ease and I feel that tension slowly releasing. I’ve learned a great deal about Mary during that time. I had forgotten all those times I bitched to Shadia about her and what she would say that pissed me off. But Shadia reminded me of what I said to her “That I didn’t think we’d be friends forever.”

And I was right. Something told me it wouldn’t last back then, and it took this long for me to figure out that my feeling was right. Maybe it should have came sooner than it did, but it came nonetheless. I can’t see myself being around someone who can own who they are and tell me what they think, but can’t own what they have done or made someone else feel. It doesn’t make sense.

Out of spite I was thinking, “I hope their relationship crumbles!” But I know that’s mean. If Brad want’s to be with someone who acts like Mary, then it is his choice. But I’m telling you, I don’t know if I want to be part of it.

 

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