I put a lot of thought into this, and decided that my high school friends no longer serve me. They are not friends to me anymore. I do not wish to see them enjoy my milestones and they can enjoy their milestones without me present.
I also decided to stop talking to Josh. He is no friend of mine.
And with Mary, well, I decided to start telling her how I feel. Because lately she’s been a bitch and I can’t stand it. She doesn’t know how to shut up or how to stop stepping on my boundaries. I don’t want this to be a trend in the people that I meet. I don’t want to keep acting the way I have been asking.
Why is it hard to speak my truth. I care too much, I think that’s why it’s difficult. I am too nice. And when I’m mean I get “GOSHHH” remark.
I wasn’t kidding when I said that she backed off. Even if she said that I knew what was going on. I don’t care. I felt like she didn’t understand me. She wasn’t trying to help me. Ugh. Why do I tell her things? Why do I respond?
I don’t know why I keep attracting Queen Bees. Am I really that meek? Am I really that slow in learning? Am I really that stupid?
I’m just tired of not bringing myself to speak on how I feel. I think it has a lot to do with how I was raised. My dad always told me what I was feeling and what was going on with anything we argued about. I really was born without a real voice and it’s translated into my relationships. I don’t have a voice because I was told it was normal not to have one. And maybe I keep finding these people who sting me because that’s how my whole family is. One needs to act better than the others and if they fall out of line they need to be shown who the real boss is. Maybe I need to start looking at my relationship with my parents and compare them to the relationship I have with others…maybe that’s the core to my problem.
I’m so happy I can talk this out. Maybe it’s the truth. Maybe it’s half the truth. Maybe it’s not the truth and I’m pulling out of my ass.
But the first relationship I had was with my parents. And that’s the longest relationship I will ever have with anyone.
So isn’t it obvious?