Its hard for me to admit this, but I think I’m still running away from my true feelings.
I have waited for the psychic’s prediction to come true, and it hasn’t. Maybe I’m not ready for the conversation the clairvoyant said needs to happen between us. Maybe my dreams of me shunning away from communicating from you are more than just dreams. Maybe they are a signal that I am not ready.
The reason I secretly did not approve of your judgments is because I secretly wished I was brave enough to take the bat shit crazy leap with you. I wished I could be more like you. Take risks, loosen up. Get drunk. Get high. Have sex. Go out at night and party. Just have fun.
Although you were troubled and acted out, I secretly wanted to do the same. But I never did. I always obeyed my parents. I was always the meek one that never partied or didn’t drink until I was “of age”.
You did some shitty things to me, but in the end, I feel you judged me the least and knew me the best out of everyone. But the shit that happened between us, well that bubbled over. It’s been closer to two years since we last spoke. And all the while I began to evolve into the person I wished I was brave enough to be back then.
I sometimes wonder if it’s too late. I wonder if we could be as close as we said we were. I wonder if my dreams are telling me that I’ll never be fully ready.
Honestly, I don’t know.