I feel really stupid. Really naive. Selfish, and down right cruel. Mean.
For all of my life I’ve told many people that you should never feel alone when you have family and friends surrounding you. You shouldn’t feel lonely when you have a spouse, or a boyfriend/girlfriend.
I have all of those things, and yet I feel a little empty. A little sad. A little lonely.
When I go out and see a bunch of girls hanging out without their significant others (lets just pretend they have boyfriends), it makes me sad. I don’t necessarily have that connection with two other girls. Oh yes, I have a best friend but I find her making digs at me that are really starting to hurt me. And there’s a group of friends I hang out with, and there are girls in that group. But we never seem to hang out together, just the three (or four of us since there’s one more; five once one of them gets back from being gone for like 8 years) of us. We are always in a group. Which is fine because we have moments where it’s just the three girls hanging out.
But I don’t feel like we’re all very close.
It’s a weird feeling. Most of the friends I have are guys whom I graduated high school with and I’m friends with most of their girlfriends. And we all hang out. But it seems that since I’m changing into this sorta/kinda different person, they just aren’t fitting into my criteria of what I call a sister bond friendship.
Ever since I ended my friendship with my so-called sister, I’ve been hurt. The connection we had was really good before she went crazy on me. I’ve stopped calling new friends, whom I talk to a lot and confide in, best friends. There is no room for that anymore. Everyone is just a friend. More like acquaintance.
See, I don’t want to admit it, but my guy friends, even though they may seem absolutely crazy and insane on the outside, they make a lot of sense to me. And to my auntie, they are the only ones that aren’t crazy (she thinks every girl friend I have is weird/something else.). And it’s true! My guys, when I confide in them, they really listen and they give good constructive feedback. They don’t tell me what I should think, they ask me how I feel, they tell me how they would feel in my situation.
They can sympathize, they can reflect, and most times they aren’t selfish. They know when to hold back, they know when they need to speak, and they know what will hurt and what won’t. I’m very honest and open with them, and if they hurt my feelings, I let them know. Most of the time they don’t know what I’m talking about, but they are gracious enough to offer an apology; which I always take.
It may seem like I’m close with my girlfriends, but that’s only partially true. I only see them at gatherings, and most of the time it’s hard to talk to all of them. They don’t seem to get the real me. And that’s even with my best friend. What she brought up the last time we spoke made me realize that she really doesn’t understand me. I guess intention isn’t worth anything.
I don’t talk to him very often, but he will always be someone I trust completely. Someone I respect and admire for what he stands for, and for how strong he is (or appears to be). This person takes his time to explain what he knows and I don’t, and listens to me while I’m acting insane. I will always feel this way about him as long as he is my friend. I will always look out for him and his best interest. And if he ever needed to talk he should know he can always find a friend in me. We can laugh together, gossip together, and just have silly fun together.
It’s great to have a guy like that you can trust. But I’m a girl! I need friends who are girls who are like this too!
I’m trying to join groups where I can meet new people and make new friends. But it’s not easy. Simple, but not easy.
So that’s just it. I feel lonely in my group of friends. I feel like all I have is my boyfriend, who understands me completely and why I do and say certain things. Or just that ear to listen to and then to have them respond back with something other than the words “choice” “I had a (input family/friend/friend of a friend’s name here) who did blah blah blah.” Just listen, and we’ll discuss. Tell me your opinion that’s totally fine. But don’t say it’s a choice. Of course it is. Every single thing you do in this world is a choice. But not everyone knows what the consequence may be until they’ve made that choice.
Ugh I should stop I’m getting too into this!