I never really liked to run. Come on! I’d get shin splints walking too much!
But after so many years of not swimming and getting fatter, I decided to run.
I laced up and started running in a circle at the local park. Each lap is about a mile. So after mile two, I stopped and realized something. My heart wasn’t beating fast. My legs were sore, but my heart rate barely changed. I wasn’t breathing hard.
So why did I stop?
After what happened Saturday night, I began to think about all the times I ran away. Always running from a conversation maybe I could relate to, but was too scared to face its truth, for it had to do with me. Running away from a predicament I didn’t want to be a part of, even though I may have the power to say, “enough.” Always skipping ahead of the fight or battle that raged in my head without saying anything; all because of fear. Walking in front of a wall so I would conceal the past, even though the best way to let go of it, is to acknowledge it, to face it, understand it, love it.
Why do we run? Why do people run from good things? Fear. Hurt. Trust. Insecurity. Un-moving. We have issues with ourselves whether we want to admit or not. Even the person who seems to smile all the time, or is always happy-go-lucky. They probably have something they went through or are going through. We just don’t see it.
Why did I stop running even though I knew I wasn’t getting the workout I needed? It may have been I was formulating this whole post. Or I may have been thinking too much about the past. Or I just wanted to slow down and face myself. Maybe I felt like stopping.
It’s hard to imagine me not wearing my heart on my sleeve. It’s hard to imagine me having a past. It’s hard to imagine me liking the party life. Alcohol. Sexuality. Dresses. Raves. Dancing. Drama.
I want to feel like I’ve never felt before. I want to visit an area of history, and sit down and just be in the moment. I want to dress like a hip anime character and feel comfortable walking around in those clothes. I want to be in touch with my feminine side but still feel masculine at the same time.
I want to be free of these negative feelings I hold towards myself. I want to stop running away from my desires. I want to embody courage and strength. I need to trust in my wisdom and know when to trust in other’s wisdom.
I need to stop running. I need to stop now.