Thinking about Myself

tumblr_ly11tt32vF1qf2ft3o1_500I’ve been thinking about the people who are in my life and what they have taught me. I came to a few conclusions.

The man the psychic kept talking about, and whom I have been blogging about for the past few posts, absolutely doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t care enough to say, “Are you okay?” And…I’m okay with that. I sat in the bathroom and I think I cried? No, when I hurt I cry. I didn’t hurt. He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend. And honestly, my trip with my boyfriend this past weekend made me realize why he is the best person for me. 

The woman that has taught me so much about life and making choices…can also be a hypocrite. If there is a choice in everything you do and say, there is no excuse. Alcohol is not an excuse because you chose to drink alcohol therefore choosing the path alcohol will take you down. I don’t make excuses when I drink. I apologize and never mention the alcohol. I can’t tell her everything because she will tell the person directly what I tell her. But that’s okay.

It’s okay because now I see it. I see what is really happening, and I need to back away from it. The woman…I need to stop telling her everything. And the man…I need to back off and stop wondering what we could be. The reality is, we aren’t together. We never had the chance to be together. It’s okay because I have the person I love to be with. The person that makes me laugh the most. That cares for me the most. That thinks about me the most. That treats me like one of his MetalGear and Megaman games.

I say, “I’m doing this for you,” a whole lot. And I’m not okay with that anymore. Most of my relationship with my boyfriend has been a, “I’m doing this for you” type of relationship. But why? Why do I feel the need to change for others? Am I really two-faced? Do I really want to be so well-liked that I do things for other people instead of doing them for myself or because I want to?

Or maybe that’s how I am. I am a giver. And I don’t always feel that I receive enough. And that is wrong. I shouldn’t feel I should receive something in return. A simple “Thank you” should be all I need. 

With that, I’ve decided to make a few changes. I am going to do things for myself. To make me a better person. To help me grow. Mature. 

One thing I’ve wanted to do is travel around the United States. Especially the East Coast. If I get my job, I will travel to the East Coast next year and take a historical tour. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. 

I think it’s time.

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