I am now struggling with forgiving myself. It’s probably the hardest exercise I’ve decided to endure.
They always say you have a choice. You can let these memories play inside your head for years. Keep telling yourself the same thing, keep asking yourself the same question, and keep replaying what was said. You can relive the same moment and hear the same words. Or simply let it go.
But not everyone can discard what was said, forget how they felt, and stop thinking about the decision you made. Sometimes there’s something you wished you said. There’s something you wish you did, or you wish you didn’t do.
Could have. Would have. Should have.
I could have said this. I would have said this if I knew this. I should have said this. Maybe if I said this or that I wouldn’t feel this way. Who can disagree? No one knows because it wasn’t done.
Isn’t what you say and how you feel enough?
Is it so bad to speak the truth and speak your mind? Is it okay for others to constantly let you know how they feel and yet you feel like you can’t say how you feel back because it’s too truthful and that could hurt them? It doesn’t matter how you say it, the truth, good or bad, still stings. Of course it’s not bad to say the truth, as long as your intentions are good.
Let’s not mention that other people have their own minds and can skew your best intentions. Then what…just let it go, right? Even when they throw shit back at you. Just let it go. Well, how?
How do you let something go that’s been holding onto you for several years? How are you supposed to let it be?
Maybe if you worked at forgiveness a little bit every day, you’ll eventually get better at it. Think about it as if you were trying to bench 100 lbs. You can’t start off by bench pressing 100 lbs. You start at maybe 20 lbs. Then gradually you’ll work your way up to 100. This may be the same way. If I start small, say, every day tell myself I love myself and mistakes are part of life, maybe, eventually, gradually, I’ll be able to let it go. I can start by saying that I tried my best. I tried my best in every situation, and what I said and what was done, I can’t undo or unsay. Even the little things. Like saying, “you’re a lamer” for not going to an event–I can say that I forgive myself…and it’s really no big deal. The other person probably isn’t butt hurt by it. Maybe if I keep reminding myself that I’m only human, and that I am allowed to make mistakes, and mistakes aren’t the end of the world, self forgiveness will become easier. We can’t always stop ourselves from saying things we shouldn’t. But by then I guess it’s safe to say we were mean’t to say those things.
Some things may be better left unsaid. But there are some things that are better off said as well. And all that matters is you believe it’s the right time to say them.
After looking online for some help, I came across this passage and would like to share it. I kept the names of the people who wrote it, but sadly I forgot what blog I got it from (but I think a quick Google search with the authors name in quotations will help).
“There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. It means removing toxic people and belief systems from your life so that you can make room for relationships and ideas that are conducive to your well being and happiness. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.
“So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference. Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. No one, but you.”
– Daniell Koepke
“Recovery is supposed to hurt. It is supposed to be incredibly painful. To heal, we need to channel this pain and express it in healthier ways. Don’t give up, it is supposed to hurt.”
– cararoserecovery (via getting-through-each-day)