I have told myself over and over again that I am letting go because I love myself more than I ever have. There is truth to this. Instead of feeling trapped, walking on egg shells, and acting like a fool, I decided to let go because I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore. So why is it so hard to not feel those resentments of what I should have probably said when the chance was mine? Or replay what I said over and over to the point where I’m staying up late at night? Why is it hard for me to not remember what happened and how I felt?
Is this because I have not forgiven myself or them, and have not completely let go? That has to be it.
And now, I finally understand why it’s almost impossible to be friends with an “enemy’s” friends. All they focus on is their friend’s feelings. Their emotions. What they went through. They can’t have compassion or understanding for the other party because it may make them seem un-loyal. And who wants an un-loyal friend? Pity is a whole other story. Pity may be fine, but don’t get too close because pity can play with your emotions, which plays with your logic.
So how should I start forgiving myself and forgiving others?
First off I should probably start small. And start now. I need to first forgive the conversation I had yesterday. I highly doubt they were having a bad day. I highly doubt things were going to crap in their life. And I highly doubt most of the things I said had anything to do with their mood. I am highly convinced it’s the simple fact I de-friended their best friend; someone who says is in their heart. The whole conversation just felt like plastic. But, I need to just believe that they had an off day, or they woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or they are going through high Hell and forgive them for acting like they wanted nothing to do with me.
Forgiving myself is a bit harder. I have to remember that even though I wanted to destroy them with the cold hard truth, I’m not that sort of person. I would never deliberately hurt someone who hurt me back. That’s not me. It’s not in my nature. Maybe I would have felt better if I stated the cold hard facts. Some may think, yeah, but what would that do? Well look what it’s doing to me now. And you can’t say it would be the other way around; that I would still feel this way. You wouldn’t truly know because it didn’t happen. But forgiving myself for this…maybe I can think of a way to do it. Firstly I didn’t want to seem like a huge jerk but I wanted to tell them the truth about how I felt. I was coming from a logical place with little emotion. I was tired of running circles. I was hurt, drained, deflated with this whole conversation. I felt there were two options: endure it or face it.
And I decided to face it. And even then I couldn’t get everything out. Even when I had time to think and craft, and write out what I felt I had to say, I still held back. The reason? Maybe I felt bad. Maybe I felt they couldn’t handle it. And there it is again. It’s not in my nature to intentionally hurt someone. But that also comes at what I call a price. Because you can’t say how you exactly feel, you’re not being entirely truthful to you or them. Sure there are ways to say the truth in a nicer way. But when emotions get involved, and it comes out the way it does, how can anyone say that it was wrong. Also it’s a lot harder to let everything go up and out into the Universe. It’s easy to say, just like holding back your tongue to a particular person can be but having a loser tongue about your problem with them to others, and much harder to do.
And really, I say there are two options, but even if you face it, you have to endure it, which is what I’m doing now. It’s tough. I’m still learning. But forgetting can be just as difficult as forgiving yourself. And we don’t seem to remember that.
I think with Time and new memories, and with less and less interaction with those around you that remind you of that certain person, all of what I’m feeling with disappear. With forgiveness comes love and understanding. It helps build your character and opens up doors that may have been closed before. If someone comes to you and sincerely forgives you, just let it go. Make amends and let it go. You don’t have to be friends with them, but you can let them have their peace, and you yours.
All things must end.