Weighted Question

I have a question.

My dad is pretty obsessed with weight. He thinks my mom, who is 5 ft, 2 inches ant about 120 pounds, is overweight. When my mom tries to eat healthy (veggies, lean protein) he reminds her that he doesn’t need to eat healthy like the rest of us because he’s skinny.

This is coming from a guy who smokes a pack a day, will drink two or three 5 hour energy drinks a day, and can eat two cups of noodles, no problem. Not to mention he’s a genius who hates when you have an opinion that’s different than his. The kicker? He thinks that being thin means you’re healthy. He’s called me fat my entire life and when I told him I had body issues because of the way he talked to me about weight he said that it was my fault for listening to him tell me how fat I was at the age of eight.

My dad will never learn that his way of thinking is not always correct. The sad part is that its making the family not care about him. He never wants to go to the doctor for a physical. He hasn’t taken his colonoscopy since he turned 50 (he will be 56 this year). He doesn’t take care of himself at all and yet he’s so concerned with how fat the rest of his family is. I know it’s projection but telling my dad that there may be a message deeper than what he is actually projecting is like trying to get a dog to “meow”.

Because of this, I don’t call other people “fat” because in my book, “fat” is a derogatory term.

Do any of you go through this? And if so, how do you deal with it?

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Satisfied with Life.

When there is nothing going on internally, there is nothing to write.

This doesn’t mean I didn’t have any arguments. I’m just at peace with them.

It’s a good feeling.

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Walk Inside with Me

I don’t have to reach down into me to understand where I am in life right now. At this very moment. I can feel the fear in my gut. Taste the unworthiness spilling out of my mouth. Hear the echoes of betrayal. There’s sadness that weeps like bloody pools down my eyes. Tension in my knees, making them hurt.

I hate life-changing choices.

The deafening sound of cicadas calling for rings through my ears which throws off what others are saying. And I am alone now in my thoughts and in my created world.

And I think. And I think and I cry and I think. THINK.

To grow out, even just a little bit, and stretch beyond the confinements of my home, my cubicle, my world for the past four years. To learn my purpose. To learn new things I couldn’t by staying here. More work. More discipline. Diversity in both people and duties. I think.

I dive deeper. I fear success. I fear power. I fear pain and real love. I hear those bullies saying I can’t do it. I can’t be better or do better than where I am now. And I repeat it to myself. Over and over until I cave into myself, crying and reaching out for a helping hand to tell me it’s alright. I’m doing the right thing. I have this anxiety and it’s alright. I am sad for leaving the ones who trusted me with everything and watched me bloom. Whose friendships I’ve created from practically nothing, and have transformed into some long-lasting relationships. I feel trapped faced with choices that I don’t want to own up to, that I don’t want to make! I don’t want to choose between my heart strings and growth! I don’t want to choose between the unknown and the light of where I’m standing. I don’t want to face disappointment again for not knowing a skill, or taking the time and effort to re-learn new ones. I don’t want to dive into the ocean headstrong, headfirst, while my heart slowly dips its toes into the rushing wave upon me!

And yet, I know its necessary! I know it’s what life is all about! And to feel these things is to be human. I fear change and yet change is this enigma of what drives life forward and upward. And I want change. I don’t want to feel stuck. I want growth. I want to move up! I want diversity in the workplace. I want diversity in the tasks I do. There’s so much I want.

And yet, I have this fear and these side comments, and this anxiety. I feel this pressure because I am loyal. I feel this need to escape. To go back to the familiar. I feel this urge to run away.

I feel as if I’m drowning in doubt, anxiety, guilt, unworthiness, paranoia. And my angels are there, guiding me and not wanting me to know what’s around the corner of the maze I am in. But they are there, protecting me and giving me what I need – a purpose.

In response via Daily Prompt: Descend

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Lost Child

I’m missing something within myself and that’s why I am reaching out. Thinking about decisions and the path I chose long ago. Thinking about why I made that choice and was it worth it for what I feel now.

I’m thinking about all of the hurt that I experienced. The talking I should have and shouldn’t have done. The advice I gave and what that mean’t at that time.

Have I forgiven? Have I gave up on all hopes of a better past? Did I make a loving choice? I feel trapped in my own thoughts and it comes at a time where all I want is sleep.

There’s a part of me that wants to know so badly how you are doing. What is going on. To let me into  your life. But I feel that I am only after the drama. Because I know it will never be the same. I feel like I only want to be in your life because its something I don’t have anymore. It’s something I can’t control…which is a scary thought. This just tells me that I shouldn’t be in your life.

You are working on yourself. Becoming stronger, making better decisions. Raising a family. And all I can do is sit here, wishing my life was more like yours. I still have this overwhelming feeling that I’m not living up to your potential. That I am way behind in growth, in spirituality, in love, in…everything.

That’s the real problem. I feel that I am not enough. I feel that she has had the better life. I feel that she always had things come easy for her. She never questioned if she was in love with her boyfriends or her husbands. She knew she was in love. She never had doubts about having a family and having children. She always had help. Her mom and dad supported her unconditionally. She’s artistic, and head strong and graceful. She’s beautiful and athletic, and smart. She knows what she wants and fiercely goes after it. She’s outgoing and personable. She isn’t afraid to get a little dirty for some fun.

She cares about the people she loves. She tells them she loves them. She’s excited for them.

She’s perfect.

 

 

And I always felt that its something I could never have. Maybe that’s why I grounded her so much. Maybe that’s why I envy her. I was controlled growing up. And I let others control me. I’m afraid of speaking my truth at all times, so I let other people push their opinions and ideals on me. I was told sex is the worst thing and it was always analogized with death. That’s why I have issues with sex. It was inherent that I should always obey my parents, and that’s why I need other’s approval. I came from a broken marriage and she did too. But her mindset is just so much better about it than mine. My mom complained to me a lot about my father. Although I do love her, she is not the mother I hope to grow up to be. I don’t want certain aspects of her to come out through me.

I am still a lost child, still finding my way through life.

But I refuse to let fear or my ego take me away from who I am with now. Because out of all of the relationships I’ve had with everyone in my life. His is the most loving. His is the very best.

And I’m not letting fear, anxiety, a psychic, or anyone else get in my way of my heart.

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I don’t understand people

A partner is someone you have absolute trust in. They adore you for who you are. They may not know all the odds and ends of your soul, but they handle it with love. They understand the way you think and the actions you carry out. They are the ones who bring you up, support your dreams and desires. They make you laugh and cry and feel all sorts of crazy. They make your fear walls creep up, your Ego walls try to climb higher because they are your ultimate protectors against making you feel anything but happy, in-love, ethereal, blissful, and all the other adjectives for awesome. You break down those walls because you know love is divine and a process and you don’t enter your relationship garden with it being lush, bountiful, and beautiful – no, you create that garden through the toil of communication, reciprocation, acts of kindness, trust, love. Not just any love, real love.

Have you ever asked someone who had a boyfriend or girlfriend why they were in that relationship? Or did you trust that they already knew what they were doing so there was no need to ask?

We are never taught how to love, what to expect from love, or really what love is. Can you define it? Can anyone truly define love? And yet it’s expected of us to fall in love, marry, have kids, and live that Disney happily ever after. We are expected to know who that “one” is. We are expected to not have any problems within our relationship…because if you have a problem you’re totally with the wrong person.

This isn’t for everyone, but there’s also this expectation that your partner is supposed to fulfill your desires, your dreams, your wishes, all your wants, your needs. But we forget that you, I, are the only ones who can fulfill those desires and find that inner peace.

When your partner betrays you, when they lie, when they are a narcissist and when they cheat. When they emotionally become unavailable and withdraw and would rather spend time with those who make them forget their inner fears. When your partner is on a one track highway and can’t look at themselves and their wrongs in all the mess that lay before or behind them. When your partner truly excludes real red flags and when they are unrecognizable because their character has changed so much, that’s a good place to stop and step back. Think about what is happening. When the lines of communication are not open, issues arise and there could be real tension.

But of course, when this happens, and this can happen to any relationship, not just your significant other, that person lashes out because the Ego and that fear is protecting you. Instead of telling them to take the back seat, you let it drive.

I had an instance a while ago where something similar happened. The person she was with is still on her Facebook while she kicked me off. Her excuse was, “because I told her to ‘get over it’.” My family and really close friends all told me that that isn’t something I would say.

And it’s not. I asked her, “Could you get over it.” But she took only what she wanted to hear and left. But she’s still got her ex on her Facebook because she wants to keep tabs on him. I know her well enough to know that.

I have no energy left for this post. It’s literally draining me as I sit here and try to write.

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Loving Fully

I love you in the morning,
I love you late at night.
I love you through all seasons,
I love you in all fights.
I love you when you’re blissful,
I love you when you’re sad.
I love you when you’re grumpy,
I love you when you’re mad.

I love you, love you, love you, for being who you are,
I love the love we have, even if we are afar.

I will love you forever, even when I’m not around.
It flies me to the moon and back, your love is that profound.

via Daily Prompt: Elixir

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The wrong advice

If there isn’t enough passion on both ends it will not work out.

What about love? What about trust and faith? I have learned that passion is fleeting. In a good, stable relationship, you can’t let passion determine everything.

I will be honest about therapy though. That seems like something for married couples with more at stake. I wouldn’t invest too much money into it. 

I have come to understand that therapy is for those who want to understand what it means to be who you are. Therapy isn’t for judgement. Therapy is not the media. It’s about you and your relationship with others which ties back to your relationship with yourself. It is not for married couples. It’s for anyone who seeks help because they cannot help themselves anymore. Therapy is a gift. What do you fear in seeing a therapist?

My things with [her] is a bit different. Its true I don’t feel as passionate however we do literally everything together. Have lots of nerdy things in common/do together. Games, costume making, similar interests. We also just don’t have any fights, or anything similar like when you and derrick didn’t speak while at a wedding.

I will talk to her eventual, but things are fine. I just don’t think i’m the marriage type , which [is] why I don’t really see her as the one, nor do i see myself ever getting married.

Four years in a relationship and you’ve never had a fight? Tell me who is more passive and throwing shit under their rug. Also you have a lot of nerdy in common things together and you do a lot together. That is wonderful. But tell me what sort of dreams you have that you want to achieve together. Tell me what you love about her when she’s sad. Tell me what you don’t have in common but support each other with anyways because it makes the other person happy. Tell me how your relationship feels like what you see in a movie or TV show.

Tell me why waste four years with someone you don’t see as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with if everything is great. Tell me why you don’t want to get married. Tell me what do you fear?

After this many years with him I think you should have an instant answer if you would be  truly happy and content being married/being life partners. If there is doubt, no amount of rationale, or letting more time fix it will change that.

No, there is no instant answer. This isn’t a movie or an anime. This is real life where feelings and emotions change like the tide. There is no 100% guarantee that everything you do in your life will have zero doubt hovering in the back seat. It’s a huge life changing experience which will bring about even more huge life-changing experiences. To doubt is to be human.

You doubt you are the marrying type but still choose to be in a long term relationship. Plus you doubt she is the one for you though you make it seem like she’s perfect and all you need is that extra oomph of passion to make things 100% normal.

Time will fix doubt because “to doubt” means “to explore” which means you have to do some serious exploring within yourself which takes Time.

Let me say this again. There is no instant answer. It takes time, patience, a lot of insight, love, understanding, and kindness to find the answer in your heart.

When you hurt, explore why. When you’re hurting, be compassionate towards that person. Reach out your hand. Tell me it will be okay. Let them know you care.

Don’t respond with what was given to me in red. Tell the hurting person to explore why they all of a sudden feel this way. See if there’s a pattern. Let them know you are there for them.

But don’t fill their heads with the crap you see and hear in the media. Don’t fill their heads with the quotes you see on your phone.

Listen. Open your heart. Dive deep. Apologize. Show compassion.

Show love.

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