I have this co-worker who, I would say 90% of the time can’t take anything I give her graciously. Almost every time I give her something she tells me what she doesn’t like about it. Yesterday it happened again when I gave her some mochi. She told me she doesn’t like the anko I put inside. I knew it was coming too as soon as she opened her mouth.

But here’s the thing, something about that transaction bothered me inside. It wasn’t till I was about to fall asleep that I realized I had some sort of anxiety/shame over it.

Maybe I feel ashamed that I didn’t have the courage to say anything to her. I made those mochi. I spent half my New Years Eve making it. I felt anxiety because I have to deal with this the next time I get her something. I am anticipating it. I shouldn’t have let my anxiety hook onto a thought and run away with it. But it happened last night and caused me to not sleep well.

I guess I’m tired of feeling that nothing I do is good enough for her. Why do I have to feel accepted by her?

Is this me overthinking the situation?

Maybe I’m bringing it up to just cause drama. Or maybe I’m bringing it to my attention because I’ve never met anyone like her.

I know I should say something, but I just don’t. I’m afraid though, that this is spilling over-I’ve reached my tolerance limit and will lash out. I’m trying to not do that.

So the only option is to stop and breathe when this happens again. Which might be by the end of this month…

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Daily Prompt: Faint

There’s this small area inside of my mind that remembers how good our friendship was. Free of pain or sorrow. Pure joy. It seemed like we would be friends forever and nothing could take that away.

You were my first real love. And then the darkness crept in and started eating at everything that made me happy. All of the judgement I bestowed upon how you were living your life. All the trust that I broke between us. I knew that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I couldn’t make this work anymore. I didn’t want to be friends anymore. Slowly I started pushing away. I started hating hanging out and hearing your voice on the phone. I felt horrible around you with the judgement’s you made about me and my life.

Now cut back to almost three years later and the events that have transpired in my life has left me feeling lonely. I want that connection again with someone. To find my other half. I have grown. I have stretched myself and changed. And so have you.

But that line that connects us grows fainter by the year. It started to unravel. To decay. I think there’s nothing much left but a string of hope…

via Daily Prompt: Faint

Posted in Weekly Prompt | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m engaged. Holy shit I’m engaged.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel cornered. I feel like crying. There’s already family drama about this. There’s already a bombardment of questions. There’s just so much going on out there that I am shutting down. I don’t want to do any of this work ahead of me. I feel alone. I am feeling like there’s this huge weight on my shoulders. I feel like I shouldn’t be engaged, like I’m making the wrong choice.

…And I know that these thoughts are just anxiety thoughts. I am committing to one person for the rest of my life. Someone who isn’t 100% perfect for me. But I’m engaged to someone who genuinely cares for me.  Who will clean the whole house. Will ask if I am doing alright even though he’s not doing so well because of work stress. I am committing to someone whom I am very best friends with. Someone who loves me entirely. Who hugs me when I’m sad. I’m with someone who will make things happen for me.

But this whole engagement thing is overwhelming. I’m shutting down because of the conflict it’s brought up.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Weighted Question

I have a question.

My dad is pretty obsessed with weight. He thinks my mom, who is 5 ft, 2 inches ant about 120 pounds, is overweight. When my mom tries to eat healthy (veggies, lean protein) he reminds her that he doesn’t need to eat healthy like the rest of us because he’s skinny.

This is coming from a guy who smokes a pack a day, will drink two or three 5 hour energy drinks a day, and can eat two cups of noodles, no problem. Not to mention he’s a genius who hates when you have an opinion that’s different than his. The kicker? He thinks that being thin means you’re healthy. He’s called me fat my entire life and when I told him I had body issues because of the way he talked to me about weight he said that it was my fault for listening to him tell me how fat I was at the age of eight.

My dad will never learn that his way of thinking is not always correct. The sad part is that its making the family not care about him. He never wants to go to the doctor for a physical. He hasn’t taken his colonoscopy since he turned 50 (he will be 56 this year). He doesn’t take care of himself at all and yet he’s so concerned with how fat the rest of his family is. I know it’s projection but telling my dad that there may be a message deeper than what he is actually projecting is like trying to get a dog to “meow”.

Because of this, I don’t call other people “fat” because in my book, “fat” is a derogatory term.

Do any of you go through this? And if so, how do you deal with it?

Posted in Opinion | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Satisfied with Life.

When there is nothing going on internally, there is nothing to write.

This doesn’t mean I didn’t have any arguments. I’m just at peace with them.

It’s a good feeling.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Walk Inside with Me

I don’t have to reach down into me to understand where I am in life right now. At this very moment. I can feel the fear in my gut. Taste the unworthiness spilling out of my mouth. Hear the echoes of betrayal. There’s sadness that weeps like bloody pools down my eyes. Tension in my knees, making them hurt.

I hate life-changing choices.

The deafening sound of cicadas calling for rings through my ears which throws off what others are saying. And I am alone now in my thoughts and in my created world.

And I think. And I think and I cry and I think. THINK.

To grow out, even just a little bit, and stretch beyond the confinements of my home, my cubicle, my world for the past four years. To learn my purpose. To learn new things I couldn’t by staying here. More work. More discipline. Diversity in both people and duties. I think.

I dive deeper. I fear success. I fear power. I fear pain and real love. I hear those bullies saying I can’t do it. I can’t be better or do better than where I am now. And I repeat it to myself. Over and over until I cave into myself, crying and reaching out for a helping hand to tell me it’s alright. I’m doing the right thing. I have this anxiety and it’s alright. I am sad for leaving the ones who trusted me with everything and watched me bloom. Whose friendships I’ve created from practically nothing, and have transformed into some long-lasting relationships. I feel trapped faced with choices that I don’t want to own up to, that I don’t want to make! I don’t want to choose between my heart strings and growth! I don’t want to choose between the unknown and the light of where I’m standing. I don’t want to face disappointment again for not knowing a skill, or taking the time and effort to re-learn new ones. I don’t want to dive into the ocean headstrong, headfirst, while my heart slowly dips its toes into the rushing wave upon me!

And yet, I know its necessary! I know it’s what life is all about! And to feel these things is to be human. I fear change and yet change is this enigma of what drives life forward and upward. And I want change. I don’t want to feel stuck. I want growth. I want to move up! I want diversity in the workplace. I want diversity in the tasks I do. There’s so much I want.

And yet, I have this fear and these side comments, and this anxiety. I feel this pressure because I am loyal. I feel this need to escape. To go back to the familiar. I feel this urge to run away.

I feel as if I’m drowning in doubt, anxiety, guilt, unworthiness, paranoia. And my angels are there, guiding me and not wanting me to know what’s around the corner of the maze I am in. But they are there, protecting me and giving me what I need – a purpose.

In response via Daily Prompt: Descend

Posted in Weekly Prompt | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lost Child

I’m missing something within myself and that’s why I am reaching out. Thinking about decisions and the path I chose long ago. Thinking about why I made that choice and was it worth it for what I feel now.

I’m thinking about all of the hurt that I experienced. The talking I should have and shouldn’t have done. The advice I gave and what that mean’t at that time.

Have I forgiven? Have I gave up on all hopes of a better past? Did I make a loving choice? I feel trapped in my own thoughts and it comes at a time where all I want is sleep.

There’s a part of me that wants to know so badly how you are doing. What is going on. To let me into  your life. But I feel that I am only after the drama. Because I know it will never be the same. I feel like I only want to be in your life because its something I don’t have anymore. It’s something I can’t control…which is a scary thought. This just tells me that I shouldn’t be in your life.

You are working on yourself. Becoming stronger, making better decisions. Raising a family. And all I can do is sit here, wishing my life was more like yours. I still have this overwhelming feeling that I’m not living up to your potential. That I am way behind in growth, in spirituality, in love, in…everything.

That’s the real problem. I feel that I am not enough. I feel that she has had the better life. I feel that she always had things come easy for her. She never questioned if she was in love with her boyfriends or her husbands. She knew she was in love. She never had doubts about having a family and having children. She always had help. Her mom and dad supported her unconditionally. She’s artistic, and head strong and graceful. She’s beautiful and athletic, and smart. She knows what she wants and fiercely goes after it. She’s outgoing and personable. She isn’t afraid to get a little dirty for some fun.

She cares about the people she loves. She tells them she loves them. She’s excited for them.

She’s perfect.



And I always felt that its something I could never have. Maybe that’s why I grounded her so much. Maybe that’s why I envy her. I was controlled growing up. And I let others control me. I’m afraid of speaking my truth at all times, so I let other people push their opinions and ideals on me. I was told sex is the worst thing and it was always analogized with death. That’s why I have issues with sex. It was inherent that I should always obey my parents, and that’s why I need other’s approval. I came from a broken marriage and she did too. But her mindset is just so much better about it than mine. My mom complained to me a lot about my father. Although I do love her, she is not the mother I hope to grow up to be. I don’t want certain aspects of her to come out through me.

I am still a lost child, still finding my way through life.

But I refuse to let fear or my ego take me away from who I am with now. Because out of all of the relationships I’ve had with everyone in my life. His is the most loving. His is the very best.

And I’m not letting fear, anxiety, a psychic, or anyone else get in my way of my heart.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment