I don’t have to reach down into me to understand where I am in life right now. At this very moment. I can feel the fear in my gut. Taste the unworthiness spilling out of my mouth. Hear the echoes of betrayal. There’s sadness that weeps like bloody pools down my eyes. Tension in my knees, making them hurt.
I hate life-changing choices.
The deafening sound of cicadas calling for rings through my ears which throws off what others are saying. And I am alone now in my thoughts and in my created world.
And I think. And I think and I cry and I think. THINK.
To grow out, even just a little bit, and stretch beyond the confinements of my home, my cubicle, my world for the past four years. To learn my purpose. To learn new things I couldn’t by staying here. More work. More discipline. Diversity in both people and duties. I think.
I dive deeper. I fear success. I fear power. I fear pain and real love. I hear those bullies saying I can’t do it. I can’t be better or do better than where I am now. And I repeat it to myself. Over and over until I cave into myself, crying and reaching out for a helping hand to tell me it’s alright. I’m doing the right thing. I have this anxiety and it’s alright. I am sad for leaving the ones who trusted me with everything and watched me bloom. Whose friendships I’ve created from practically nothing, and have transformed into some long-lasting relationships. I feel trapped faced with choices that I don’t want to own up to, that I don’t want to make! I don’t want to choose between my heart strings and growth! I don’t want to choose between the unknown and the light of where I’m standing. I don’t want to face disappointment again for not knowing a skill, or taking the time and effort to re-learn new ones. I don’t want to dive into the ocean headstrong, headfirst, while my heart slowly dips its toes into the rushing wave upon me!
And yet, I know its necessary! I know it’s what life is all about! And to feel these things is to be human. I fear change and yet change is this enigma of what drives life forward and upward. And I want change. I don’t want to feel stuck. I want growth. I want to move up! I want diversity in the workplace. I want diversity in the tasks I do. There’s so much I want.
And yet, I have this fear and these side comments, and this anxiety. I feel this pressure because I am loyal. I feel this need to escape. To go back to the familiar. I feel this urge to run away.
I feel as if I’m drowning in doubt, anxiety, guilt, unworthiness, paranoia. And my angels are there, guiding me and not wanting me to know what’s around the corner of the maze I am in. But they are there, protecting me and giving me what I need – a purpose.
In response via Daily Prompt: Descend